Uncomfortably Frustrated

Everyday I face an uncomfortable frustration. I feel irritated to the max for no reason. I lack the motivation to even get out of bed. I struggle to find the joy in anything. I just want to crawl into a dark cave and hibernate.

I know what the problem is. I know what I was diagnosed with so many years ago. I know how they say to overcome it. I know what I have to do.

As hard as I try or as many times as I pull up my straps, I am constantly weighed down. I turn upwards in prayer. I turn downwards in silence. I wait.

And wait. And wait. But nothing happens. Nothing changes. Nothing works.

I stop fighting. I stop trying. I stop thinking. I just stop.

I was born this way and I will die this way. Strong enough to fight tomorrow. Too weak to move today. Already forgot about yesterday.

Comments

The life of a cat

Let me tell you about my crazy cat. She wakes with me every morning. Does her morning strerches and yawns. Then joine me in the bathroom where she proceeds to meow until I pet her. Then we venture downstairs together. She usually screams (meows as loud as she can cause i know cats cant scream) at me while I make my breakfast. I dont think she likes it when I feed myself before I feed her. And from the sound of her cry you would think she was starving. But she usually only eats a nibble or two and she is done. After breakfast she will take her bath where ever she feels comfy. Most of the time it is on the floor in the sun spot. Then once she is clean she will venture towards the front door. This time instead of screaming it sounds more like begging. "Please let me out mommy. Ill die if I cant go out." The first thing she does after I let her out is to roll around in the dirt. Makes me wonder what the point of the morning bath was. Once ...

My Story

I was born on February 21st, 1980. With the gift of life I was also given a gift from God. I was born with a disorder called Bipolar II. I was fortunate to make it into my mid twenties before I was really effected by the disorder. Don't get me wrong, I did struggle in the early years and throughout my teens, but I was not crippled by it. I just always felt a little different, a little odd, a little confused as to who I was. I remember the day I was officially diagnosed. I had recently attempted suicide and was released from the hospital with the promise to seek psychological help. I was required to take a mental health evaluation upon my first visit and it took no time at all for the psychiatrist to determine that I indeed did have bipolar. It would be almost ten years later that I would be diagnosed with Bipolar II. The news terrified me. I was 22 and a single mom of a 5 year-old son. I didn't have time to deal with this...

To be a kid again

They say everyone has to grow up sometime. Well I want to know just how much do we have to grow up? Yes we should all take responsibility for our actions, get a job and pay our own bills and set a good exampke for our children. That is all fine but there are some things that kids enjoy that I find myself still enjoying. Like watching cartoons and eating sugary cereals for breakfast, blowing bubbles in the yard, chasing down the ice cream truck on a hot summers day, spending the whole day in a swimning pool, and the list goes on. So now that Im a grown up do I have to stop these fun activities? If so, whats the fun in all that?

On My Mind

Search This Blog